Apple #18 - Cortland

#18 Cortland 11/18/10

Pros: I brought this apple into work today and placed it on my desk near my computer. The heat expelling fans slowly warmed the apple filling my office with it's delicious fall scent. At one point in work fueled delirium I turned to it, smiled and said "I can smell you apple."

Another pro would be the fact I have my own office to be creepy in.

Cons: Well the name. Cortland is the name of one of the witches in Anne Rice's beloved tale of incest and witches. That was a depressing family tree that I would draw out with an increasing frown when I read those books. And Cortland was all mixed up in it. Food shouldn't make me think of such things.

Also I waited too damn long to eat it so it was soft and mealy. I tried sucking on it to taste it without sandy apple in my mouth but it didn't work.

Outcome:

I basically do whatever Amy asks me to.

Amy asked me to put these two pictures together.





**I hope hyperbole and a half doesn't mind the use of her awesome picture.

Apple #17 - Jazz

#17 Jazz 9/26/10

Pros: I'd say the best asset would be the name. Jazz. It makes me think of the various Strangers With Candy episodes with Jimmy Tickles.

"I am super-jazzed!"

Cons: No cons really, the apple was juicy, sweet and hard, like a chippenda- NOPE I got nothing.

Outcome: I'd eat it again.

Can you guys believe this picture exists?

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UPDATE: Jimmy Tickles is still very jazzed.

Vertigo

This is pretty much what my vertigo is like, every time it shows up.

Apple #17 - Honey Crisp

#16 Honey Crisp 9/25/10

Pros: This apple....this apple is so good I would love to marry it. The Honey Crisp is tied with the Pink Lady as far as awesomeness goes. It is crispy, that makes it one of the few accurately named apples, unlike Red Delicious. Honey Crisp was pleasantly sweet, i wouldn't say it tasted like honey, but if I wanted honey I'd go eat honey, not an apple, and I have anything to say about honey so...

I hear that the great pantsless Pooh will cover that topic in his biopic 

"To the Pot and Back: A tale of Honey Addiction"

Cons: I am not eating one right now.

Outcome: I was visiting family in CA and saw them at a grocery store. The produce guy just offered this apple up for tasting. He did that after I asked about the Gravenstein apple. I can only assume he offered the Honey Crisp as an apology for letting me put the Gravenstein in my mouth.

Apple #16 - Gravenstein

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, someone robbed my computer away.

#16 - Gravenstein 9/25/10

Pros: This apple looked like a Golden Delicious with stripes of red running through it.

Cons: Holy hell this apple was awful. the flesh was mealy, it tasted like a terrible grotesque Golden Delicious. As if Golden Delicious had a cousin who liked to kill small animals and was always covered in festering wounds, but was also an apple.


I started to search for festering wounds and then decided that would
be an unpleasant task. So Here is Uncle Fester

Outcome: I am so glad I asked the produce guy about this apple, because he let me try it and i didn't have to spend my money on fruit I wanted to spit out, but didn't, because we were in a grocery store.

Stigmata #8

As we all know the cause of my stigmata is magical in nature so there is nothing a medical doctor can do. I decided that seeing a therapist may help me deal with the repercussions of my stigmata. There are certain times that utilizing the internet for more than comedy websites and bootleg movies would be in my best interest. Checking for reviews of certain asshat therapists would have been one of them. You want to know what the "clever" bastard had to ask me?

"How are you dealing with the stigma of your stigmata?"

Oh a fucking pun. I'm bleeding on everything, I've ruined almost all of my clothes and furniture, I'm passing out everywhere and I've lost all my friends because the reasons I just listed and he makes a pun.

I'm contemplating covering everything in my apartment in plastic, but I don't know how existing in an episode of Dexter will help anything.

I have a serious and seriously non religious case of stigmata and I am miserable.

Stigmata #7

After passing out at the baby shower i woke up in my apartment. There was a note near me suggesting that I buy bandages. So I headed to a pharmacy. One thing I found out is that if you have stigmata do NOT keep your money in your pocket. But money is money, legal tender and all that.








Click here for the final comic

Barely Soup

I don't understand tomato basil soup. Its just watery pasta sauce.


I've been eating soup for lunch every day the past two weeks. I feel like I've been thinking about soup way way too much. And that is just sad.

Adults Are Fucking Liars

The day I first realized that adults were nothing but big bastard liars I was in 1st grade. We were reading the book Stone Soup. When we finished the story we were all supposed to bring in a stone to put in a pot so we could make our own soup.

Now, if you don't quite remember the story, its basically about a drifter who convinces some lady to let him make soup at her house using only a stone. Then slowly over the course of the book he gets her to add actual food to his rock water (carrots, potatoes etc).


This is the exact book I owned

So basically the book was about lying and also it was about cooking actual soup, not some magic stone soup.

Anyways we all brought our rocks in and were told to drop them into a crockpot full of water. Then THEN we were led somewhere, I don't remember where because I spent that time convinced something was afoot. "A watched pot never boils" my 6yr old butt.

When we returned to the room SURPRISE! there was soup in the crockpot. Kids were amazed. They dished up the Magic Stone Soup into bowls for us. That first bite, that first telling bite showed me that we had been had, the teachers were lying to us, because what was in my bowl was not Magic Stone Soup but canned vegetable soup. I knew it well and had always hated that flavour. I was outraged, not only was it all a lie but they replaced our rock water with cans of my least favourite soup ever.

I wanted to call them out but I didn't because I saw that all the other kids were excited and amazed and full of magic and joy and I didn't want to ruin it for them so I ate my soup in silence.

That was the day I found out adults are liars.

You Should Always Look Up

Cat's look up.



This is probably why.

Stigmata #6 (Saturday)

As of Saturday it had been almost a week and it was becoming rapidly apparent to me that one of the bigger issues I was facing was blood loss. I was fired via email this morning for issues at work.



Then, on my way to a baby shower I woke up at Forest Hills. Considering I board the train further down the line this means I must have ridden the train from one end to the other.



While I have no recollection of this, I am told that I passed out once I got to the shower. Apparently I started to say, "Congratulations," but never finished the word.


Click here for #7.

Stigmata #5 (Friday)

Do you know what does not work when you have stigmata? MEETING WOMEN! You want to know why?

This fucking face. That's why.


Clickhere for #6.

Apple #15 - Sugar Snap/Crisp

Go here if you want to read the first 15 apples all together.


15. Sugar Snap/Crisp date: the past
This apple was consumed almost a month ago. To be helpful I emailed myself notes, they turned out to be more of a poorly written (extremely poorly written) haiku than apple details.

from orchard
looks like a golden delicious
tastes like fall
strangely soft

Pros: This was another apple brought to me by the roomie. He couldn't quite remember the name, my hazy memory has it as Sugar Crispin. I feel it tasted pretty nice, as my poem indicates Sugar Crispin Glover tasted of fall.
 
Cons: Crispin Glover wasn't unpleasantly soft, just strangely so.
 
utcome: this


Actually, I think this may be a con.

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Apple #14 - Mystery Wedding Apple

Go here if you want to read the first 15 apples all together.

14. Mystery Wedding Apple 9/07/10

Pros: I found the apple to be refreshing. I think it looked like a wee McIntosh apple.

Cons: it was a bit tart.

Outcomes: Best wedding fruit ever, at least until gay marriage is legal everywhere I guess.

...family...blah blah blah, sanctity of marriage...blah blah blah

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Apple #13 - Rome

Go here if you want to read the first 15 apples all together.


13. Rome 6/7/10

Pros: It was bought with roommate love, it was another of the apples he got from an orchard in PA.

Cons: I waited to long to eat it. So i was left with taut red skin encasing apple meat that was akin to partially hydrated instant mashed potatoes.


mmmm.....appley

Outcome: Why do I know what partially hydrated potatoes taste like? SHUT UP! That's why.

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Apple #12 - Crispin or Mutsu

Go here if you want to read the first 15 apples all together.

12. Crispin or Mutsu 6/6/10

Pros: My roommate brought me this apple from Weaver Orchards in Morgantown, PA. I guess this is an advert for them because the apple was delicious. Not that i have enough viewers that an advertisement is monetarily worth it. Good thing i work for apples. Its a golden delicious hybrid. It was so very crisp. The flavour was mild but lovely.

Cons: That I already ate it and I live in MA.

Outcome: Yes yes and yes. Go to Weaver Orchards because they have appley type apples.

Apple #11 - Empire

Go here if you want to read the first 15 apples all together.

11. Empire 5/26

Pros: I don't.......know.

Cons: The flavour is boring. The apple meat was mushy. And the skin, oh god, the skin. The skin and the apple insides are not friends. Textural enemies. It's like this apple is wearing a mask. Sort of like this:


KISS???


But actually more along these lines:

and it would have gotten away with it, too, it wasn't for a meddling me.

Outcome: The mystery of the haunted orchard has been solved. But still....I spit every bite out.

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Apple #10 - Granny Smith

Go here if you want to read the first 15 apples all together.

10. Granny Smith 5/20/10

Pros: It's green, which is my favourite colour. The texture was fine. And I quite enjoy the taste, I wish I'd had cheese to pair it with.

Cons: While this apple is enjoyable it is also quite sour. Eating one is a mix of pain and joy that reminds me of all the girls I've dated.


Pictured above: both pain and joy. Please note: I never dated the girl in this photo.

Outcome:I don't think my exes read my blog so the outcome shouldn't be too bad.

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Apple #8 - McIntosh

Go here if you want to read the first 15 apples all together.


8. McIntosh 5/14/10

Pros: Good ole McIntosh, they make me think of witchy things like Disney villains and Stevie Nicks.



The skin on this apple is quite taut and shiny and sounds like a ripe melon when you thump it. Melanie gave me this apple and I in turn made her listen to the thump. I think these are the apples I was brought up on because it reminded me of my childhood.

Cons: The texture was...different it wasn't mealy but it also wasn't really crisp. once you got through the crisp skin the meat was quite soft.

Outcome: Not unpleasant, but certainly not my favourite.

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Apple #9 - Red Delicious

Go here if you want to read the first 15 apples all together.

9. Red Delicious 5/17/10
I ate a red delicious apple and I have absolutely nothing to say about it. No pros or cons. sorry.

Outcome: This apple is boring so suck it.

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Apple #7 - Golden Delicious

Go here if you want to read the first 15 apples all together.

7. Golden Delicious 5/12/10

Pros: This apple is my supervisors favourite kind but i won't let that cloud my judgment. Also I really doubt she reads these. Upon examining the apple it was more green than golden. It was also freckled, so biting into it was much like how I imagine it would be to bite into into my jaundiced face....subtle and delicious.

Cons: Thinking about cannibalism.

The sky is blue, and all the leaves are green, my heart's as full as a baked potato

Outcome: I wonder what the texture of my face is like.

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Apple #6 - Cameo

Go here if you want to read the first 15 apples all together.

6. Cameo 5/10/10

Pros: At first i was disappointed. The apple didn't have a flavour, but after chewing for a bit i noticed it did but it was just quite subtle. It was also so juicy in my mouth all i could do was think about this skit

Cons: Possibly that it made me think of the skit above? Meh, not sure there were cons.

Outcomes: Refreshing.

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Apple #5 - Naval

Go here if you want to read the first 15 apples all together.

5. Naval 4/28/10

Pros: It was a very pretty colour. I would almost describe it as one of the colours of dawn.

Cons: When I bit into it, it was very bitter. And then the skin just sloughed off. NOT to be deterred by an admittedly cringe worthy action i removed the rest of the skin to taste the apple within. Perhaps this is the opposite of the braeburn i said to myself in a whisper.

Outcome: Much to my astonishment this apple was naturally created in segments and so I took a bite- Orange! Never mind I'm eating an orange.

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Apple #4 - Pink Lady

Go here if you want to read the first 15 apples all together.

4. Pink Lady 4/23/10

Pros: This one I was most excited about. (NOT because of the name Melanie...) I heard about it for the first time during an apple poll of my friends favourites, this one was mentioned the most.

Cons: They were not pink on the inside. Ok. so it is in part the name.

Outcome: If my phone wasn't broken i would have had people take pictures of my apple eating enthusiasm. Instead here is a picture of Pink.

Apple #3 - Gala

Go here if you want to read the first 15 apples all together.

3. Gala 4/22/10

Pros: It was called a Royal Gala.


Cons: I'm writing this almost a week later. The only con is laziness.

Outcome: I ate it and spit none of it out but the core. So I guess, I guess that was a good sign.

Apple #2 - Fuji

Just piecing out the Apples blog

2. Fuji 4/21/10

Pros: I liked the look. This apple has a sort of fading red paint look to it that appealed to me visually. And when I bit into it was juicy and crisp just like I like my.........women? No, I, I hope that's not right.
 
Cons: The grammar (it's worse than mine)


But if you love something you have to be willing to look beyond its faults.

Outcome: Delicious. I stopped snacking just long enough for the apple to get a word in.


Then i ate his face.

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Apple #1 - Braeburn

I decided to pull out each individual apple review into its own post. The apple blog here has become far too long.


1. Braeburn 4/20/10

Pros: The flavour, its not bad, not too tart, not too sweet. Mostly it's the size, you think, alright, this apple is gonna rock, its a huge piece of hand fruit and who doesn't like giant fruit?

oh...right

Moving on.

Cons: Texture. The texture ruins it, it's all mealy and grainy, like wet sawdust. The only part that doesn't make my tongue cringe is the skin.

Outcome: Disappointment.

And a skinless apple in the trash.

Stigmata #4 (Thursday)

Things were not improving for me. I was beginning to worry my friends didn't want to spend time with me.

I was invited to my friend Paul's birthday party. I arrived, on time, feeling rather subdued, but i put on my game face. I had my goggles on and what was previously my nicest shirt. I went to give hugs but my friends and acquaintances all started pushing each other until my former roommate, Daniel, was forced woodenly into my arms. It was one of the worst hugs ever.



Then I tried again to be cheerful and offered the beer I had brought.



I was beginning to feel very awkward so I made up some excuse to leave early.


Click here for #5.

The Dangers of Layering

Layering can be a wonderful thing during the winter months. But only if it's done correctly.













Just don't over do it.