Thursday, November 18, 2010

Apple #18 - Cortland

#18 Cortland 11/18/10

Pros: I brought this apple into work today and placed it on my desk near my computer. The heat expelling fans slowly warmed the apple filling my office with it's delicious fall scent. At one point in work fueled delirium I turned to it, smiled and said "I can smell you apple."

Another pro would be the fact I have my own office to be creepy in.

Cons: Well the name. Cortland is the name of one of the witches in Anne Rice's beloved tale of incest and witches. That was a depressing family tree that I would draw out with an increasing frown when I read those books. And Cortland was all mixed up in it. Food shouldn't make me think of such things.

Also I waited too damn long to eat it so it was soft and mealy. I tried sucking on it to taste it without sandy apple in my mouth but it didn't work.


Friday, November 12, 2010

I basically do whatever Amy asks me to.

Amy asked me to put these two pictures together.


**I hope hyperbole and a half doesn't mind the use of her awesome picture.

Apple #17 - Jazz

#17 Jazz 9/26/10

Pros: I'd say the best asset would be the name. Jazz. It makes me think of the various Strangers With Candy episodes with Jimmy Tickles.

"I am super-jazzed!"

Cons: No cons really, the apple was juicy, sweet and hard, like a chippenda- NOPE I got nothing.

Outcome: I'd eat it again.

Can you guys believe this picture exists?


UPDATE: Jimmy Tickles is still very jazzed.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


This is pretty much what my vertigo is like, every time it shows up.


Apple #17 - Honey Crisp

#16 Honey Crisp 9/25/10

Pros: This apple....this apple is so good I would love to marry it. The Honey Crisp is tied with the Pink Lady as far as awesomeness goes. It is crispy, that makes it one of the few accurately named apples, unlike Red Delicious. Honey Crisp was pleasantly sweet, i wouldn't say it tasted like honey, but if I wanted honey I'd go eat honey, not an apple, and I have anything to say about honey so...

I hear that the great pantsless Pooh will cover that topic in his biopic 
"To the Pot and Back: A tale of Honey Addiction"

Cons: I am not eating one right now.

Outcome: I was visiting family in CA and saw them at a grocery store. The produce guy just offered this apple up for tasting. He did that after I asked about the Gravenstein apple. I can only assume he offered the Honey Crisp as an apology for letting me put the Gravenstein in my mouth.

Apple #16 - Gravenstein

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, someone robbed my computer away.

#16 - Gravenstein 9/25/10

Pros: This apple looked like a Golden Delicious with stripes of red running through it.

Cons: Holy hell this apple was awful. the flesh was mealy, it tasted like a terrible grotesque Golden Delicious. As if Golden Delicious had a cousin who liked to kill small animals and was always covered in festering wounds, but was also an apple.

I started to search for festering wounds and then decided that would
be an unpleasant task. So Here is Uncle Fester

Outcome: I am so glad I asked the produce guy about this apple, because he let me try it and i didn't have to spend my money on fruit I wanted to spit out, but didn't, because we were in a grocery store.

About Me

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i sneeze a lot but you usually cannot tell that it happened. I drink black coffee all the time so my tooths are yellow.