Below is a fake interview with Eileen Chaiken. It's just a way for me to work out my exacerbated irritation with the show. This was for my own mental health, but I hope someone gets some amusement out of it.
EILEEN: Hi there. I’m Eileen Chaiken, brains behind The L Word. Creator of The L Word, the best LGBT show around. Oh, and Betty working with The L Word and doing the lovely theme of The L Word, that was all me too.
SEAN: Uh, yeah. LOVE the show.
EILEEN: Oh you love The L Word, that is gre-
SEAN: hahaha no. No I don’t, but I have seen seasons 1-5 twice.
EILEEN: So you really like The L Word
SEAN: No. Nope I’ve seen it. And while seeing it I didn’t turn it off, so there is that.
EILEEN: Great, it’s always nice to meet people who love The L Word. So how is it you can assist The L Word-
SEAN: Eileen, sorry to interrupt, but, I do know what the show is called and this isn’t being videotaped or actually recorded in any other way so you don’t need to plug the show. Or whatever it is you are doing here.
EILEEN: Great, so you are going to help us with the final season of The L-
EILEEN: -Word. Do you have much screen writing experience that The L Word would benefit from? I can’t seem to find anything in your file.
SEAN: No. Never written a screenplay but I did write a short story in high school. It had a beginning, middle and end, AND the story was rather cohesive, no loose threads, things like that.. These are standards I feel you could really use in this show
EILEEN: Great. So let me tell you about some of the exciting things we have planned for this final season of The L Word. First off we are going to kill Jenny.
SEAN: Yeah? I…um…wow that is actually a good idea. I’m surprised you didn’t do this earlier. Great, as you say.
EILEEN: We also are going to have Max, you know Max our favourite butch lesbian, she is-
SEAN: What! Max is trans.
EILEEN: Excuse me?
SEAN: the character Max…he’s trans…
EILEEN: Oh! Haha, right. I just have no respect for transgender people. I’m actually pretty narrow-minded when it comes to gays and lesbians in general when it comes The L Word.
SEAN: Okay um there is a lot more to LGBT than just….never mind. Your show has many viewers; some of them are trans so maybe you should try and be respectful. That would be a good start. So….what’s your plan for Max?
EILEEN: He’s pregnant!
EILEEN: Pregnant with a baby. You do understand the concept?
SEAN: I understand th- He is on T. You- that is so unlikely.
EILEEN: Oh we’ll just have some science type say it can happen. You know like a doctor.
SEAN: I…it’s practically impossible and it is a terrible terrible idea. Just cut out that entire story line.
EILEEN: Already filmed it.
SEAN: Why am I here?
EILEEN: I recently saw Baywatch. Have you ever seen Baywatch? I keep thinking about the opening credits from Bay-
SEAN: Watch! Yes I’ve seen Baywatch. Why are we talking about Baywatch? What does Baywatch have to do with your show?
EILEEN: The L Word?
EILEEN: I was thinking I’d like to have all the actresses walking slow motion into the wind during the final credits. I’ll make it slow motion, not them. I just feel it will really give the fans a chance to say goodbye to their favourite character in The L Word
SEAN: That is awful. Cut it.
EILEEN: Already filmed.
SEAN: Of course it is.
EILEEN: The next thing we have planned is Jenny and Shane are going to start a romantic relationship.
SEAN: Gross, that is so gross. And I thought you were going to kill Jenny
EILEEN: I also want to have a dance-a-thon.
SEAN: Dance-a-thon? Like a marathon? Are they going to dance for about 26mi? What does this have to do with the story line? Do you have too many episodes?
EILEEN: We are doing 8 episodes.
SEAN: I’m almost afraid to ask this…Why? Why an episode where they dance? And again I ask, when are you going to kill Jenny.
EILEEN: Did you know that Marlee Matlin can dance?
SEAN: Yeah, that’s great. Some people are accomplished dancers. When is Jenny going to die?
EILEEN: She is deaf and she dances really well. I think I’ll have most of the characters talk about how she is such a good dancer.
SEAN: You disgust me and you really need to cut this scene.
EILEEN: Oh. No. It’s not a scene it’s the entire episode.
SEAN: The. Entire. Episode. You should cut it and you should really focus on story line. You know some closure with the characters.
EILEEN: Already filmed. We are also going to have Helena get back with Dylan.
SEAN: God that is gross too. Are you trying to make people vomit in their mouth? Was this your plan all along? Who next? Let’s bring Angus back he can have a three way with Alice and Bette’s assistant. Could you, could you please cut it?
EILEEN: how did you guess?
SEAN: I can’t believe you were given a show. What am I supposed to do here? You’ve already filmed everything. It's a huge amount of awful at that.
Eileen’s cell phone: THIS IS THE WAY! IT’S THE WAY THAT WE LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
EILEEN: Hold on for a second, I’m in a meeting…...Here read over the last episode of The L Word and give me some notes and if I like them I’ll take them into account.
15 minutes later
SEAN: Okay. Short of re-writing seasons 2-7, here are a few things:
1. Being “sneaky about who killed Jenny” isn’t clever, change it somehow. Have angelica push her towards the broken railing, something. Show the body, was she in the pool? Is that why Shane looks wet?
2. Bette and Tina should probably agree to adopt Max’s baby, he wanted them to, also cut his hair, the beard was fine, well sorta fine, but that hair cut is too much.
3. Um the Shane and Molly thing needs to go better, the viewers will be happy if there is some closure there. And really closure is what you should have been aiming at the entire season.
4. Dylan sucks too much to make Helena miserable at the end fix it.
5. The “tribute video” is awful. Ivan, (who is your first disaster), Tim, Carmen. What the hell is this.
6. I don’t think being in police academy will let you by a police line when a murder is being investigated.
7. Um. Lucy Lawless. She barely has a part.. How can you have a gay icon on this gay-assed show and have her say maybe 10 lines? Can we change this some how, maybe she could console Helena about horrible Dylan. That would be acceptable.
I have a few more ideas if you are interested.
EILEEN: Already filmed it.
SEAN: I hate you.