My Feelings about The L Word

Below is a fake interview with Eileen Chaiken. It's just a way for me to work out my exacerbated irritation with the show. This was for my own mental health, but I hope someone gets some amusement out of it.

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EILEEN: Hi there. I’m Eileen Chaiken, brains behind The L Word. Creator of The L Word, the best LGBT show around. Oh, and Betty working with The L Word and doing the lovely theme of The L Word, that was all me too.

SEAN: Uh, yeah. LOVE the show.

EILEEN: Oh you love The L Word, that is gre-

SEAN: hahaha no. No I don’t, but I have seen seasons 1-5 twice.

EILEEN: So you really like The L Word

SEAN: No. Nope I’ve seen it. And while seeing it I didn’t turn it off, so there is that.

EILEEN: Great, it’s always nice to meet people who love The L Word. So how is it you can assist The L Word-

SEAN: Eileen, sorry to interrupt, but, I do know what the show is called and this isn’t being videotaped or actually recorded in any other way so you don’t need to plug the show. Or whatever it is you are doing here.

EILEEN: Great, so you are going to help us with the final season of The L-

SEAN: hrrrm

EILEEN: -Word. Do you have much screen writing experience that The L Word would benefit from? I can’t seem to find anything in your file.

SEAN: No. Never written a screenplay but I did write a short story in high school. It had a beginning, middle and end, AND the story was rather cohesive, no loose threads, things like that.. These are standards I feel you could really use in this show

EILEEN: Great. So let me tell you about some of the exciting things we have planned for this final season of The L Word. First off we are going to kill Jenny.

SEAN: Yeah? I…um…wow that is actually a good idea. I’m surprised you didn’t do this earlier. Great, as you say.

EILEEN: We also are going to have Max, you know Max our favourite butch lesbian, she is-

SEAN: What! Max is trans.

EILEEN: Excuse me?

SEAN: the character Max…he’s trans…

EILEEN: Oh! Haha, right. I just have no respect for transgender people. I’m actually pretty narrow-minded when it comes to gays and lesbians in general when it comes The L Word.

SEAN: Okay um there is a lot more to LGBT than just….never mind. Your show has many viewers; some of them are trans so maybe you should try and be respectful. That would be a good start. So….what’s your plan for Max?

EILEEN: He’s pregnant!

SEAN: ...pregnant?

EILEEN: Pregnant with a baby. You do understand the concept?

SEAN: I understand th- He is on T. You- that is so unlikely.

EILEEN: Oh we’ll just have some science type say it can happen. You know like a doctor.

SEAN: I…it’s practically impossible and it is a terrible terrible idea. Just cut out that entire story line.

EILEEN: Already filmed it.

SEAN: Why am I here?

EILEEN: I recently saw Baywatch. Have you ever seen Baywatch? I keep thinking about the opening credits from Bay-

SEAN: Watch! Yes I’ve seen Baywatch. Why are we talking about Baywatch? What does Baywatch have to do with your show?

EILEEN: The L Word?

SEAN: …

EILEEN: …

SEAN: Yes.

EILEEN: I was thinking I’d like to have all the actresses walking slow motion into the wind during the final credits. I’ll make it slow motion, not them. I just feel it will really give the fans a chance to say goodbye to their favourite character in The L Word

SEAN: That is awful. Cut it.

EILEEN: Already filmed.

SEAN: Of course it is.

EILEEN: The next thing we have planned is Jenny and Shane are going to start a romantic relationship.

SEAN: Gross, that is so gross. And I thought you were going to kill Jenny

EILEEN: I also want to have a dance-a-thon.

SEAN: Dance-a-thon? Like a marathon? Are they going to dance for about 26mi? What does this have to do with the story line? Do you have too many episodes?

EILEEN: We are doing 8 episodes.

SEAN: I’m almost afraid to ask this…Why? Why an episode where they dance? And again I ask, when are you going to kill Jenny.

EILEEN: Did you know that Marlee Matlin can dance?

SEAN: Yeah, that’s great. Some people are accomplished dancers. When is Jenny going to die?

EILEEN: She is deaf and she dances really well. I think I’ll have most of the characters talk about how she is such a good dancer.

SEAN: You disgust me and you really need to cut this scene.

EILEEN: Oh. No. It’s not a scene it’s the entire episode.

SEAN: The. Entire. Episode. You should cut it and you should really focus on story line. You know some closure with the characters.

EILEEN: Already filmed. We are also going to have Helena get back with Dylan.

SEAN: God that is gross too. Are you trying to make people vomit in their mouth? Was this your plan all along? Who next? Let’s bring Angus back he can have a three way with Alice and Bette’s assistant. Could you, could you please cut it?

EILEEN: Already-

SEAN: FILMED!

EILEEN: how did you guess?

SEAN: I can’t believe you were given a show. What am I supposed to do here? You’ve already filmed everything. It's a huge amount of awful at that.

Eileen’s cell phone: THIS IS THE WAY! IT’S THE WAY THAT WE LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

EILEEN: Hold on for a second, I’m in a meeting…...Here read over the last episode of The L Word and give me some notes and if I like them I’ll take them into account.

SEAN: ……...fine.


15 minutes later

SEAN: Okay. Short of re-writing seasons 2-7, here are a few things:
1. Being “sneaky about who killed Jenny” isn’t clever, change it somehow. Have angelica push her towards the broken railing, something. Show the body, was she in the pool? Is that why Shane looks wet?
2. Bette and Tina should probably agree to adopt Max’s baby, he wanted them to, also cut his hair, the beard was fine, well sorta fine, but that hair cut is too much.
3. Um the Shane and Molly thing needs to go better, the viewers will be happy if there is some closure there. And really closure is what you should have been aiming at the entire season.
4. Dylan sucks too much to make Helena miserable at the end fix it.
5. The “tribute video” is awful. Ivan, (who is your first disaster), Tim, Carmen. What the hell is this.
6. I don’t think being in police academy will let you by a police line when a murder is being investigated.
7. Um. Lucy Lawless. She barely has a part.. How can you have a gay icon on this gay-assed show and have her say maybe 10 lines? Can we change this some how, maybe she could console Helena about horrible Dylan. That would be acceptable.
I have a few more ideas if you are interested.

EILEEN: Already filmed it.

SEAN: I hate you.

Mama Cat

Irate Seal

Time Travel

Hey.

So I have been thinking about time travel, is it possible, what are the repercussions, paradoxes things like that. But most importantly I've been thinking about how I would look if I had to go back and dress for the times. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a notorious narcissist and so shouldn't be too surprised by my thoughts.

While I'm aiming towards the 50's I decided to leave it up to a vote. We have below a few pictures indicating loosely how I will look. So please vote and I'll keep that in mind when deciding where to go.

1950's


1960's


1970's


1980's


Thanks for the help, 'cause really, looking your best is the most important part of science.

You, My Ass and The Bar

Basically, I am going to vent my irritations with folks in letter format. Sending or not sending them I find it to be rather satisfying.

Dear Angry Woman in Glasses,

Last night I felt we had a moment, in a fit of self deluded, rage filled, entitlement you told me something I had only ever told close friends and family. You blew my mind when you told me that you knew I had a dumb ass. (I’m pretty sure it wasn’t in your way all night but that isn’t why I’m writing) The simple fact you knew how much intelligence I held in my booty astounded me while it simultaneously made me feel closer to you. Did it make you feel closer to me? I hope so, because as someone close to you I feel obligated to tell you some things to help improve your character and hopefully your ability to enjoy your life. This is something I want, I really do.

First. Did you know that erotic photo hunt was only a game. I KNOW! It surprised me too the day that I found out. If you are uncertain as to the definition of “game,” don’t worry you can look it up in a dictionary, online, or you could just ask someone if those options prove to be difficult.

Second. The Midway, on certain nights, tends to get quite packed. People are jostling, moving through the crowd. Some are getting drinks, some are dancing and ultimately most of these people will need to use one of the two bathrooms. (hint: this is near the photo hunt game)

Third. When you crowd in the minuscule “hallway” near the bathrooms you are bound to be bumped into. Don’t expect everyone to be apologetic for intruding on your personal space. We too have personal spaces.

Fourth: Your anger doesn’t entitle you to anything. And acting like a d-bag will pretty much bring that behaviour out in others. So here is where I’ll own up and apologizing for putting my elbow in the way of your back. But I didn’t see any other course of action when you were using your angry butch girth to try and squish me into a wall. It was either that or pull your hair, and I find hair pulling to be so unseemly.

Fifth. Just calm down. Deep breaths. Yoga, Something. Maybe take up a soothing hobby.

Just do what you need to do to bring a positive attitude where ever you go. That and be aware of your surroundings and remind yourself you are no more special than anyone else.

I’m so glad we feel close enough to be honest with each other. Thanks. I hope you have a wonderful weekend and that this missed connection touches you as you touched me last night.

Sincerely
Just Had to Pee

Amy Nom

jus' 'cause.

Paula + Biden vs Obama = family arguments

Most of you don't know Paula. But the reason for this blog is to have a place to keep all my BS. so:

Thirsty Grizelda?

Dear Jean Hill,

You were splendorific as Grizelda. Your sex scene with Mink Stole was the first time I have ever seen men leave the room while two ladies were getting it on. Bravo. I cheered you killing the evil Mr. Gravel and his rot inducing touch. I welcomed you putting Peggy in her place. I laughed at your makeover. I guffaded at your dialoge. And I kicked my heels at your ability to aclimate with even the worst of surroundings (Mortville)
But most of all I lamented your untimely death. To have a house fall on you as if you were in a different move all together...so very sad.

Jean!? Are you still alive in real life? When ever I try to search for information about you I only get hits for a woman who was near JFK when he was killed. She doesn't look like you, so I'm guessing you are just two people, two people with the same name. So I'm stuck, not knowing if you are alive. Only having three movies to see you in. And really Grizelda was your shining part. A supporting part, none of this "extra" crap.

So Desperate Living all i have is some delightful quotes:

Peggy: Go ahead, feel her up! Just like you did to me! Find em, feel em, fuck em, forget em... is THAT your new motto?
Grizelda: Zip that gaping hole of a mouth up, Peggy, before I plug it up with my fist.
Peggy: You're just like all the rest of the common dykes in this town!

Grizelda:“I am sick of listenin’ to your bitchin’. The next time you feel a fit comin’ on, go outside and bitch. Bitch at the air. Bitch at the trees. But don’t bitch at us!”

Grizelda: We killed your husband, and I ain't your maid any more, bitch! I'm yo sister in crime!

Honestly John Waters, we need more Jean Hill. But she was in A Dirty SHame, you'll say. That wasn't a part. Not a part at all John. on that note, you're not writing Mink Stole very well anymore, but that's another blog.... So come on give me more Jean



More. More Jean


John. John, more Jean, Please.

Love Child

So most soon to be parents really want to know what their baby will look like. Why? I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that knowing months ahead of time that you are going to have an ugly baby will ruin the miracle of birth.

That said, there are many websites (note: I am not sure that this is true) that will give you an idea of whether your bundle of joy will make people gasp with cuteness or horror. one of these sights is http://makemebabies.com. I'd like to point out here and now that I'm not sure how it works because I uploaded two ugly dogs (literally) and they came out with a human, albeit ugly, baby.

Munchkin & Sam



See human looking....


Now the reason for this post is for the baby that Salim and I will be having. I don't know if it is because Salim looks like a zombie, as mentioned in a previous post but....





Here it she is with minor edits.....

Munchkin

So many of you, Amy most of all, think Munchkin is hideous. One friend went so far as to refer to her as a creepy cat thing.

Well after months of looking at her as my work computer background I have decided that she is ugly/cute and after reading her "bio" i heart her even more. [the bio is below the pictures]

Go Munchkin!!!!!

A lovely side view for you



here we have Munchkins most unnatractive photo which i think looks like Salvador Dali:



see i went so far as to submit the comparison to a website.


see more famous faces look-a-likes


Here we have the "cute" picture I have grown to love:


And finally what she would look like with a little trim:



http://www.ugliestdogs.net/WorldsUgliestDog2.html

"Munchkin is approximately 8 years old. Her dog breed is affectionately known as a “Canardly” (as in “you can hardly tell). She
could be part affenpinscher (monkey face) terrier but her vet is convinced she is a “one of a kind” unique dog.

I saw Munchkin’s photo in 2004 on Pets Unlimited website and laughed. Anything that tickled my tummy so much has to come
home with me. I drove to San Francisco and Paulie, the adoption counselor, took me to meet Munchkin. When she waddled &
snorted her way from underneath the adoption counselor desk, tears of joy welled up. She was identical to my previous 6-time
Worlds Ugliest dog, Nana; only 15 lbs. heavier!!! I sat on the floor and she leaned against me, looking up at me with her soulful
eyes, & rolled over for me to scratch her tummy. We bonded immediately and it was if she was asking “what took you so long to
find me?” Paulie noticed it was an obvious love connection and offered an “on sale” price of $75, a substantial reduction from the
regular adoption price (little did he know, I would have happily paid any price). Munchkin had been rescued from another animal
shelter just in time and had been at Pets Unlimited for 8 months with no interest by potential adopters. Pets Unlimited is located
in the heart of San Francisco’s hills among the Victorian homes. Pets Unlimited places poster size photos of available pets in the
large windows facing the busy street. As months went by, no one came for Munchkin until I came along. Why someone couldn’t
see her beauty & charm is beyond me.

Dogs like Munchkin don’t come around that often. She is special not just for her looks – but her personality which really shines
beneath all of those extra pounds. Visually she grabs you by the eyes, but emotionally she gets right into your heart with a sweet
kiss on the face or rolling over for a belly rub. As a pet therapy volunteer, Munchkin has helped so many people heal and find
comfort – whether she’s visiting a hospital for children, who giggle in delight when they see her or at a nursing home, making each
day brighter for a lucky resident, Munchkin was meant to be in the spotlight. Although she remained in a shelter for many, many
months, ignored and shown pity by those who visited, her new life has given Munchkin a better purpose in life – to make people
smile everywhere she goes. Her rags to riches story is truly a lesson for us all to never judge a book by its cover.

The reactions when people first encounter Munchkin vary. Because she snorts when she walks, and the hair on her back is short
& wiry, people ask, “what is that pig doing here?” Other people refer to Munchkin as a relative of Don King (boxing promoter) or
Cruella De Vil (from 101 Dalmatians) because her hair around her head & neck is very long, mostly gray, and stands straight up
without any “product” assistance."