I'll try to update this each time I eat an apple. Why? Because i keep buying the wrong apples. Read those three words again again, they are horrifying.
The. WRONG. APPLES.
Here is the problem....how do I know if its just the one bad apple, (wait, that saying now makes literal sense) or if it is the type of apple? A time wasting experiment, clearly.
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15. Sugar Snap/Crisp date: the past
This apple was consumed almost a month ago. To be helpful I emailed myself notes, they turned out to be more of a poorly written (extremely poorly written) haiku than apple details.
from orchard
looks like a golden delicious
tastes like fall
strangely soft
Pros: This was another apple brought to me by the roomie. He couldn't quite remember the name, my hazy memory has it as Sugar Crispin. I feel it tasted pretty nice, as my poem indicates Sugar Crispin Glover tasted of fall.
Cons: Crispin Glover wasn't unpleasantly soft, just strangely so.
Outcome: this
Actually, I think this may be a con.
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14. Mystery Wedding Apple 9/07/10
Pros: I found the apple to be refreshing. I think it looked like a wee McIntosh apple.
Cons: it was a bit tart.
Outcomes: Best wedding fruit ever, at least until gay marriage is legal everywhere I guess.
...family...blah blah blah, sanctity of marriage...blah blah blah
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13. Rome 6/7/10
Pros: It was bought with roommate love, it was another of the apples he got from an orchard in PA.
Cons: I waited to long to eat it. So i was left with taut red skin encasing apple meat that was akin to partially hydrated instant mashed potatoes.
mmmm.....appley
Outcome: Why do I know what partially hydrated potatoes taste like? SHUT UP! That's why.
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12. Crispin or Mutsu 6/6/10
Pros: My roommate brought me this apple from Weaver Orchards in Morgantown, PA. I guess this is an advert for them because the apple was delicious. Not that i have enough viewers that an advertisement is monetarily worth it. Good thing i work for apples. Its a golden delicious hybrid. It was so very crisp. The flavour was mild but lovely.
Cons: That I already ate it and I live in MA.
Outcome: Yes yes and yes. Go to Weaver Orchards because they have appley type apples.
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11. Empire 5/26
Pros: I don't.......know.
Cons: The flavour is boring. The apple meat was mushy. And the skin, oh god, the skin. The skin and the apple insides are not friends. Textural enemies. It's like this apple is wearing a mask. Sort of like this:
KISS???
But actually more along these lines:
and it would have gotten away with it, too, it wasn't for a meddling me.
Outcome: The mystery of the haunted orchard has been solved. But still....I spit every bite out.
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10. Granny Smith 5/20/10
Pros: It's green, which is my favourite colour. The texture was fine. And I quite enjoy the taste, I wish I'd had cheese to pair it with.
Cons: While this apple is enjoyable it is also quite sour. Eating one is a mix of pain and joy that reminds me of all the girls I've dated.
Pictured above: both pain and joy. Please note: I never dated the girl in this photo.
Outcome:I don't think my exes read my blog so the outcome shouldn't be too bad.
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9. Red Delicious 5/17/10
I ate a red delicious apple and I have absolutely nothing to say about it. No pros or cons. sorry.
Outcome: suck it.
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8. McIntosh 5/14/10
Pros: Good ole McIntosh, they make me think of witchy things like Disney villains and Stevie Nicks.
The skin on this apple is quite taut and shiny and sounds like a ripe melon when you thump it. Melanie gave me this apple and I in turn made her listen to the thump. I think these are the apples I was brought up on because it reminded me of my childhood.
Cons: The texture was...different it wasn't mealy but it also wasn't really crisp. once you got through the crisp skin the meat was quite soft.
Outcome: Not unpleasant, but certainly not my favourite.
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7. Golden Delicious 5/12/10
Pros: This apple is my supervisors favourite kind but i won't let that cloud my judgement. Upon examining the apple it was more green than golden. It was also freckled, so biting into it was much like how I imagine it would be to bite into into my jaundiced face....subtle and delicious.
Cons: Thinking about cannibalism.
The sky is blue, and all the leaves are green, my heart's as full as a baked potato
Outcome: I wonder what the texture of my face is like.
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6. Cameo 5/10/10
Pros: At first i was disappointed. The apple didn't have a flavour, but after chewing for a bit i noticed it did but it was just quite subtle. It was also so juicy in my mouth all i could do was think about this skit
Cons: Possibly that it made me think of the skit above? Meh, not sure there were cons.
Outcomes: Refreshing.
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5. Naval 4/28/10
Pros: It was a very pretty colour. I would almost describe it as one of the colours of dawn.
Cons: When I bit into it, it was very bitter. And then the skin just sloughed off. NOT to be deterred by an admittedly cringe worthy action i removed the rest of the skin to taste the apple within. Perhaps this is the opposite of the braeburn i said to myself in a whisper.
Outcome: Much to my astonishment this apple was naturally created in segments and so I took a bite- Orange! Nevermind I'm eating an orange.
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4. Pink Lady 4/23/10
Pros: This one I was most excited about. (NOT because of the name Melanie...) I heard about it for the first time during an apple poll of my friends favourites, this one was mentioned the most.
Cons: They were not pink on the inside. Ok. so it is in part the name.
Outcome: If my phone wasn't broken i would have had people take pictures of my apple eating enthusiasm. Instead here is a picture of Pink.
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3. Gala 4/22/10
Pros: It was called a Royal Gala.
Cons: I'm writing this almost a week later. The only con is laziness.
Outcome: I ate it and spit none of it out but the core. So I guess, I guess that was a good sign.
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2. Fuji 4/21/10
Pros: I liked the look. This apple has a sort of fading red paint look to it that appealed to me visually. And when I bit into it was juicy and crisp just like I like my.........women? No, I, I hope that's not right.
Cons: The grammar (it's worse than mine)
But if you love something you have to be willing to look beyond its faults.
Outcome: Delicious. I stopped snacking just long enough for the apple to get a word in.
Then i ate his face.
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1. Braeburn 4/20/10
Pros: The flavour, its not bad, not too tart, not too sweet. Mostly it's the size, you think, alright, this apple is gonna rock, its a huge piece of hand fruit and who doesn't like giant fruit?
oh...right
Moving on.
Cons: Texture. The texture ruins it, it's all mealy and grainy, like wet sawdust. The only part that doesn't make my tongue cringe is the skin.
Outcome: Disappointment.
And a skinless apple in the trash.
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