Apple #21 - Sonya

#21 Sonya - 05/08/2012

Wow it has been a whole year since I've encountered a new apple. Well I actually encountered 2.5 new apples today at the Safeway near my house. One of them they were out of, that's my .5. I actually got into a conversation about apples with the produce lady, she told me that red delicious have turned over a new leaf. I hope that is true because fuck those apples. Anyway today we are going to discuss the Sonya . Say it with me Sonyaaaa. A sexy name for a...well...an apple with a nice personality.

Pros: Sonya was crisp and juicy, just how we like them. She tasted like a gala or fuji which, to be honest, taste the same to me. Sonya was delicious and sweet is what I'm saying. Just an all around apples apple. Sonya is the kind of apple you would take home to meet mom.

Cons/Pros: The only con I can think of is the size, which is huge. Seriously huge. Make me feel like like a hobbit huge. I needed two hands to hold it huge. 2.5 handfuls huge. To some this may be a pro. Say if you are really hungry for delicious sweet apple fruit. Or maybe you are always accused of being a non-sharer. You could say, "Let's share my apple." And then even though its been cut in half you still have more than a normal apple amount left to eat. Everybody wins and you no longer look like an asshole. But if, like me, you just wanted some apple to accompany your sandwich, Sonya is way too much.

There is a competitive eating contestant named Sonya, this seems appropriate for the apple size and general feeling of fullness I am experiencing.

       Somehow related to my apple.

 

All in all, the size aside, this apple was fantastic. Go out and try a Sonya.

Apple #20 - Rancho Royale

#20 Rancho Royale - 05/26/2011

Holly Crap guys....a new apple.

It magically appeared on my kitchen table. I'm 80% sure that Mick brought it home for me but I really don't know what the cats do all day. Logically I would think they didn't have the limbs available to unlock doors and carry anything but they have been known to steal packets of gummy bears and one made an attempt at my empanada.

Anyway this apple really had a lot riding on it's shoulders. I had to bear the burden of being the first apple reviewed in many many months as well as having to get rid of the the disgusting flavour in my mouth bequeathed to me by my medicine.

Pictured above: the burden of medicine mouth.

Pros: I have to say the apple really came through for me. It was crisp and delicious and juicy. I mean seriously juicy I had  juice all over my hands and arms and chin. At one point I had to lick juice off of my wrist. Is that dirty? maybe. And yes, yes I had to, you wouldn't waste any of this apple either.  Also moments after typing the word juicy I have this stuck in my head. .

You're welcome

Cons: Visually I have no way to distinguish this apple from any other. It has that same faded red barn look as many others..

Outcome: Good Googly Moogly if I find Rancho Royale again I'm going to eat it.

And here: unrelated is this picture I found on the internets. Happy Nightmares!

Apple # 19 - Unknown

#19 Unknown 1/06/11

Pros: I just sort of snuck this apple away from a friend. That is how desperate I am for new apples. (stupid winter) Also it was super shiny. It takes a long time for apples to get a good shine on.

Cons: The exterior was too tough to eat. I actually broke a tooth. Also it tasted gross and a little bit like ozone.

Outcome: This is a mistake I'll never make again. Did you know that saliva is one of the things you don't want to get on a lap top? I found that out. I also found out that apple lap tops cost a remarkable amount of money to fix.

This would have been preferable to all involved.

Apple #18 - Cortland

#18 Cortland 11/18/10

Pros: I brought this apple into work today and placed it on my desk near my computer. The heat expelling fans slowly warmed the apple filling my office with it's delicious fall scent. At one point in work fueled delirium I turned to it, smiled and said "I can smell you apple."

Another pro would be the fact I have my own office to be creepy in.

Cons: Well the name. Cortland is the name of one of the witches in Anne Rice's beloved tale of incest and witches. That was a depressing family tree that I would draw out with an increasing frown when I read those books. And Cortland was all mixed up in it. Food shouldn't make me think of such things.

Also I waited too damn long to eat it so it was soft and mealy. I tried sucking on it to taste it without sandy apple in my mouth but it didn't work.

Outcome:

Apple #17 - Jazz

#17 Jazz 9/26/10

Pros: I'd say the best asset would be the name. Jazz. It makes me think of the various Strangers With Candy episodes with Jimmy Tickles.

"I am super-jazzed!"

Cons: No cons really, the apple was juicy, sweet and hard, like a chippenda- NOPE I got nothing.

Outcome: I'd eat it again.

Can you guys believe this picture exists?

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UPDATE: Jimmy Tickles is still very jazzed.

Apple #17 - Honey Crisp

#16 Honey Crisp 9/25/10

Pros: This apple....this apple is so good I would love to marry it. The Honey Crisp is tied with the Pink Lady as far as awesomeness goes. It is crispy, that makes it one of the few accurately named apples, unlike Red Delicious. Honey Crisp was pleasantly sweet, i wouldn't say it tasted like honey, but if I wanted honey I'd go eat honey, not an apple, and I have anything to say about honey so...

I hear that the great pantsless Pooh will cover that topic in his biopic 

"To the Pot and Back: A tale of Honey Addiction"

Cons: I am not eating one right now.

Outcome: I was visiting family in CA and saw them at a grocery store. The produce guy just offered this apple up for tasting. He did that after I asked about the Gravenstein apple. I can only assume he offered the Honey Crisp as an apology for letting me put the Gravenstein in my mouth.

Apple #16 - Gravenstein

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, someone robbed my computer away.

#16 - Gravenstein 9/25/10

Pros: This apple looked like a Golden Delicious with stripes of red running through it.

Cons: Holy hell this apple was awful. the flesh was mealy, it tasted like a terrible grotesque Golden Delicious. As if Golden Delicious had a cousin who liked to kill small animals and was always covered in festering wounds, but was also an apple.


I started to search for festering wounds and then decided that would
be an unpleasant task. So Here is Uncle Fester

Outcome: I am so glad I asked the produce guy about this apple, because he let me try it and i didn't have to spend my money on fruit I wanted to spit out, but didn't, because we were in a grocery store.

Apple #15 - Sugar Snap/Crisp

Go here if you want to read the first 15 apples all together.


15. Sugar Snap/Crisp date: the past
This apple was consumed almost a month ago. To be helpful I emailed myself notes, they turned out to be more of a poorly written (extremely poorly written) haiku than apple details.

from orchard
looks like a golden delicious
tastes like fall
strangely soft

Pros: This was another apple brought to me by the roomie. He couldn't quite remember the name, my hazy memory has it as Sugar Crispin. I feel it tasted pretty nice, as my poem indicates Sugar Crispin Glover tasted of fall.
 
Cons: Crispin Glover wasn't unpleasantly soft, just strangely so.
 
utcome: this


Actually, I think this may be a con.

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Apple #14 - Mystery Wedding Apple

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14. Mystery Wedding Apple 9/07/10

Pros: I found the apple to be refreshing. I think it looked like a wee McIntosh apple.

Cons: it was a bit tart.

Outcomes: Best wedding fruit ever, at least until gay marriage is legal everywhere I guess.

...family...blah blah blah, sanctity of marriage...blah blah blah

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Apple #13 - Rome

Go here if you want to read the first 15 apples all together.


13. Rome 6/7/10

Pros: It was bought with roommate love, it was another of the apples he got from an orchard in PA.

Cons: I waited to long to eat it. So i was left with taut red skin encasing apple meat that was akin to partially hydrated instant mashed potatoes.


mmmm.....appley

Outcome: Why do I know what partially hydrated potatoes taste like? SHUT UP! That's why.

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Apple #12 - Crispin or Mutsu

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12. Crispin or Mutsu 6/6/10

Pros: My roommate brought me this apple from Weaver Orchards in Morgantown, PA. I guess this is an advert for them because the apple was delicious. Not that i have enough viewers that an advertisement is monetarily worth it. Good thing i work for apples. Its a golden delicious hybrid. It was so very crisp. The flavour was mild but lovely.

Cons: That I already ate it and I live in MA.

Outcome: Yes yes and yes. Go to Weaver Orchards because they have appley type apples.

Apple #11 - Empire

Go here if you want to read the first 15 apples all together.

11. Empire 5/26

Pros: I don't.......know.

Cons: The flavour is boring. The apple meat was mushy. And the skin, oh god, the skin. The skin and the apple insides are not friends. Textural enemies. It's like this apple is wearing a mask. Sort of like this:


KISS???


But actually more along these lines:

and it would have gotten away with it, too, it wasn't for a meddling me.

Outcome: The mystery of the haunted orchard has been solved. But still....I spit every bite out.

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Apple #10 - Granny Smith

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10. Granny Smith 5/20/10

Pros: It's green, which is my favourite colour. The texture was fine. And I quite enjoy the taste, I wish I'd had cheese to pair it with.

Cons: While this apple is enjoyable it is also quite sour. Eating one is a mix of pain and joy that reminds me of all the girls I've dated.


Pictured above: both pain and joy. Please note: I never dated the girl in this photo.

Outcome:I don't think my exes read my blog so the outcome shouldn't be too bad.

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Apple #8 - McIntosh

Go here if you want to read the first 15 apples all together.


8. McIntosh 5/14/10

Pros: Good ole McIntosh, they make me think of witchy things like Disney villains and Stevie Nicks.



The skin on this apple is quite taut and shiny and sounds like a ripe melon when you thump it. Melanie gave me this apple and I in turn made her listen to the thump. I think these are the apples I was brought up on because it reminded me of my childhood.

Cons: The texture was...different it wasn't mealy but it also wasn't really crisp. once you got through the crisp skin the meat was quite soft.

Outcome: Not unpleasant, but certainly not my favourite.

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Apple #9 - Red Delicious

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9. Red Delicious 5/17/10
I ate a red delicious apple and I have absolutely nothing to say about it. No pros or cons. sorry.

Outcome: This apple is boring so suck it.

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Apple #7 - Golden Delicious

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7. Golden Delicious 5/12/10

Pros: This apple is my supervisors favourite kind but i won't let that cloud my judgment. Also I really doubt she reads these. Upon examining the apple it was more green than golden. It was also freckled, so biting into it was much like how I imagine it would be to bite into into my jaundiced face....subtle and delicious.

Cons: Thinking about cannibalism.

The sky is blue, and all the leaves are green, my heart's as full as a baked potato

Outcome: I wonder what the texture of my face is like.

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Apple #6 - Cameo

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6. Cameo 5/10/10

Pros: At first i was disappointed. The apple didn't have a flavour, but after chewing for a bit i noticed it did but it was just quite subtle. It was also so juicy in my mouth all i could do was think about this skit

Cons: Possibly that it made me think of the skit above? Meh, not sure there were cons.

Outcomes: Refreshing.

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Apple #5 - Naval

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5. Naval 4/28/10

Pros: It was a very pretty colour. I would almost describe it as one of the colours of dawn.

Cons: When I bit into it, it was very bitter. And then the skin just sloughed off. NOT to be deterred by an admittedly cringe worthy action i removed the rest of the skin to taste the apple within. Perhaps this is the opposite of the braeburn i said to myself in a whisper.

Outcome: Much to my astonishment this apple was naturally created in segments and so I took a bite- Orange! Never mind I'm eating an orange.

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Apple #4 - Pink Lady

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4. Pink Lady 4/23/10

Pros: This one I was most excited about. (NOT because of the name Melanie...) I heard about it for the first time during an apple poll of my friends favourites, this one was mentioned the most.

Cons: They were not pink on the inside. Ok. so it is in part the name.

Outcome: If my phone wasn't broken i would have had people take pictures of my apple eating enthusiasm. Instead here is a picture of Pink.

Apple #3 - Gala

Go here if you want to read the first 15 apples all together.

3. Gala 4/22/10

Pros: It was called a Royal Gala.


Cons: I'm writing this almost a week later. The only con is laziness.

Outcome: I ate it and spit none of it out but the core. So I guess, I guess that was a good sign.